We have all seen the movies, read the books; the 2 people’s eyes meet, there is instant attraction, they “know” the other is their “soul mate”, they have some drama, they get past the drama, they get together and live happily ever after. All is perfect.
And then there is reality…
First of all, there are as many motivations for people to get together as there are people. Want to get out of your parents’ house? Find someone! Afraid of doing things by yourself? Find someone! Having trouble meeting the rent? Find someone! Want to have sex? Find someone! Biological clock clanging? Find someone! The fact that another person adds more complications, not solutions to life is a well-kept secret.
Already we see that there are so many reasons why people form relationships and then get married. Hormones alone are a big reason for people in 16-25 age range. So when the hormonal levels drop, you’d better have a lot more context to keep up the interest.
Let’s say you found someone, created a healthy and stable relationship, got married, were generally happy, and began going through the developmental stages of a relationship which are 1. Merge “We can’t breathe and we love it”, then 2. Space “Help, One of us can’t breathe!”, 3. Stabilization “Now we can both breathe”, 4. Creating Context “WooWoo” 5. Redefining the Couple “now what? Are we going to have kids?” 6. Pregnancy – Barfing and the emotional roller coaster 7. Sleep Deprivation “No, it’s YOUR turn to get up!” 8. Not tonight “If anyone else touches me or wants something from me I am going to scream!”
9. School Bus – “Wow, who am I separate from my kids and my spouse?” 10. Reconnection – “Hey, I remember you! Didn’t I marry you a while back?” 11. Reacquaintance – Who are you now and who are we now? 12. Acceptance – You no longer look like Romeo/Juliet, but neither do I. What now?
Life beats the heck out of romance!
If you can feel your own sense of self, feel good or at least accepting of who you and your spouse are, not judge yourself or your spouse, realize that nobody is the Grand Prize but who you got is pretty darn good most of the time, and still have a sense of humor about you, you have a pretty good marriage! Congratualtions!